So yeah, at this point you've figured out something happened. I can't really go into details right now. Maybe in a few years after everything blows over. But because of my blog someone very close to me did something horrible to my family. It would've hurt anyway but it hurt more because of who this person was. I've decided that I'm not going to walk around being pessimistic because of it and not trusting people. I'm just gonna be more cognisant of what I say and do. I do want to continue to blog but right now there's a lot of pain associated with it. So it might be a couple of weeks before I jump back in.
Thanks to everyone that did join my blog and do indeed want to read what I write. You have no idea what that means to me.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Monday, March 16, 2015
Projects
So if you know me then you know that I do not do DIY projects. This is not because I don't want to but because I don't have the time. I have 3 kids 5 and under and I work full-time. I'm exhausted all the time. In my downtime I do not want to do additional work that requires my brain, I want to watch TV and drink a beer. Being creative takes brain power and I don't have it at the end of the day.
But since Tristan has entered Kindergarten I have realized what I am up against- other working mothers that actually DIY and work. Great. So because I want to be the best mom that I can be (within reason) I have strived to do more. The following are my attempts at being better at life (not all of them are projects but just things I found on the Internet- sue me).
First off, our couch cushions. Do not get me started on our couch. I hate it. But it started to show it's age when the cream colored cushions were gradually being ruined by our children. Then our fireplace broke and the repairman came and destroyed a pillow with soot so I was forced to do something about it because all he did about it was say "Sorry". So our pillow cushion covers can't be removed and washed because of the stuffing inside. Or so I thought. I gave it a whirl. I took the stuffing out and threw the cushion covers in the washer. Presto. Like new. I thought I should post in case you were dumb like me and didn't try it for oh, 8 years. Don't judge.
Before wash and soot covered
Before (other side)
Inside the cushion
Stuffing outside the cushion cover
AFTER
AFTER (other side)
Spice rack in package before we started
The boys helping me stain
Our bookshelf before (I know it's a mess but I make the kids pick up)
And after............
Lastly I hate water. I mean, I can't stand it. People are amazed at how little I drink it, yet I am able
to survive. I'm not exaggerating. Anyways a few weeks ago my doctor told me that I had to drink more water in order to help some health issues that I have. I went back and forth with him about it but needless to say, he's a doctor so he won. So I went home and Googled "how to drink more water". Truth. I really am that pathetic. It ended up being the greatest Google I ever did. I saw this blog on this woman that froze fruit in water in ice cube trays and then put it in water and so it melted and became a fruit-infused water. Hers, of course, was beautiful. Like this woman cut up pieces of fruit, daintly put them in the ice cube tray and then added water. Who has time for that? Please see first paragraph.
So I bought a bag of frozen fruit. Then I put some of it in our Vitamix, added a bunch of water, and pureed it. Then I poured the pureed mix into ice cube trays. Then, the next morning before work I added the ice cubes to my water container, poured more water in and I was ready to go. Let me tell you this. It was delicious. Amazing. The ice cubes slowly met so it looks like a hot mess in my container but tastes like a watered-down smoothie. This may sound like a horrible option but when you are trying to suck down water, this is the best way to do it. The only problem is at work when it melts, I have no way of bringing more ice cubes with me. So instead I just bring the frozen fruit in a baggie and then put it in the container and add water. Not as good as the ice cubes but still better than dumb water.
That's it. I want to post about it because it may be the only projects/self-improvement I ever do and I want proof of it.
Friday, February 6, 2015
What Hurting Really Looks Like
So today's blog is a more serious blog. Vincent and I had a discussion last night that made me decide to post on it. We talked about my break down. This topic is one that is very personal but I think might help others if I share. So I've decided to share.
So in October of 2013 we were getting ready to move from our house in Grand Prairie. We were packing it up and making the arrangements. At work, it was 4th quarter. I was in busy mode. There was barely enough time to get my work done in an 18 hour day, let alone taking time to cancel the electricity at our old house and start the electricity at our new house. Or call and wait 25 minutes on hold to have our dish moved from our old house to our new house. Or find a new babysitter. The list goes on and on. Slowly it felt like, I was drowning. But the day of the move, I collapsed. Not literally but emotionally. It was too much. My job didn't care that I was moving and insisted that I work while I moved my house. My husband needed help with our 3 children. I was being pulled in every direction.
The best way to describe my break down is that I stopped caring. I didn't care about cooking food for my family. I didn't care about my job and the expectations that they had for me. I didn't care that I should get out of bed and play with my children. I didn't care that I should go shopping for our family. I didn't care about hanging out with my parents, brother, and sisters. I just didn't care. I would sleep for hours and hours because I didn't want to get up. To me, the kids screaming and yelling were too much and I wasn't a good mom in my mind, so what was the point? It was too much. I would be in the front passenger seat of the car and the kids would literally be screaming for like 10+ minutes and Vincent would get frustrated and say "Aren't you going to do something?" I would just shrug my shoulders. I didn't care. I didn't talk. I didn't joke. My mom and dad had a conversation with me at some point because they thought the very worst. That something in their daughter's marriage was going on. I told them that that wasn't the case, that instead, it was my job and that I was just stressed. My sister asked me several times what was going on with me. It got worse when my family finally reached out to Vincent and told them that they were concerned. I was not myself. I didn't laugh, joke, poke fun. I just sat and stared. There was a point in our marriage where Vincent would ask "Is it a good or bad day?" That would signal how the day would begin. Usually if I slept in, it was a bad day. And the kids knew not to mess with Mommy. If it was a good day, I would play with the kids more. It really got bad. And honestly, I didn't know when or if, it would get better. All I could think at the time was that I hated who I was and I hated what I was doing. It was a struggle day to day. It also didn't help that I was being over-medicated. I had 2 types of medicine for my mood. But in reality, I only needed 1. Granted, I went to see a doctor that was super busy and had no time to figure crap out for 1 patient. But at the same time, I should've figured it out. I was lethargic and dead to emotion. I should've mentioned that to my doctor. But I didn't.
Rewind to my college years. I went overseas to England to study abroad for a semester. Best time of my life. I was young, in college, no obligations, and an American girl in a foreign country. It was golden. I befriended a girl. Let's call her Samantha, just in case she reads this blog. Samantha had an eating disorder. A group of us figured it out pretty soon. She was eating lettuce with no dressing. She was denying the fact that she was hungry even though she hadn't eaten all day, She would make excuses for not eating. She was tired ALL the time. Her hair would fall out for no reason. Her skin was always dry. She was ALWAYS cold. Her lips were always chapped. I bring this up because of how me and my friends reacted to her. It was not good. We were annoyed. We didn't want to hang out with her. We wanted her to stop and just eat a steak. We didn't understand. We wanted her to drink a beer. We wanted her to be able to go outside without wearing 9 layers. We hated it. We eventually started hating her. I know. It's terrible if you're reading this. You're probably judging. But here's the thing. It's reality. Someone that's going through this..........is annoying. When you have to be the person dealing with it, it's no Lifetime movie. It's real life. They're annoying. They're obnoxious. You don't want to have to deal with it. That's what I remember thinking when I was dealing with it was "Why didn't someone tell me that this wouldn't be all chick-flick movies but instead, I really hate this person??"
I bring that story up to segue to Vincent's story. During my break down, it was obvious that Vincent was struggling with his sympathy towards me. Of course, he let me sleep all day. But then at times he would yell "Snap out of it" to me. Last night, he told me it was really hard. He basically had to raise 3 kids on his own. He had to do laundry on his own (a first), cook on his own (a first), and tend to all of the children's needs on his own (a first). I basically dumped everything on him all at once. But he did it. Of course, as you can expect, he wasn't happy about it. Here he was with a wife that was helping him 50/50 but then was not helping at all. That's tough. Also when you don't understand what it feels like to hurt, you don't understand at all. As he said last night, "I thought you were weak", "I thought you just needed a reality check", "I thought you were being selfish" - all things that I thought of my friend Samantha. But the thing is, it's just not true. It's tough being the one in pain. It really is. But it's also tough being the one that deals with the one in pain. Both sides are awful. Vincent deserves a lot of credit for dealing with what he had to deal with. He said it was the loneliest he's ever been cause he would sit on the couch and watch TV with me but it was like I wasn't there. I wouldn't talk or make jokes or snide remarks. Nothing. Just a mannequin that was just there. What is the point of being married??
So for anyone going through this right now, I'm sorry. It's rough. I don't know what to say except that. Medicine and therapy worked for me but it doesn't work for everyone. But just know that I relate to both sides. Neither one is a position of envy. Both are an awful place to be. But hopefully, like me, you get through it.
So in October of 2013 we were getting ready to move from our house in Grand Prairie. We were packing it up and making the arrangements. At work, it was 4th quarter. I was in busy mode. There was barely enough time to get my work done in an 18 hour day, let alone taking time to cancel the electricity at our old house and start the electricity at our new house. Or call and wait 25 minutes on hold to have our dish moved from our old house to our new house. Or find a new babysitter. The list goes on and on. Slowly it felt like, I was drowning. But the day of the move, I collapsed. Not literally but emotionally. It was too much. My job didn't care that I was moving and insisted that I work while I moved my house. My husband needed help with our 3 children. I was being pulled in every direction.
The best way to describe my break down is that I stopped caring. I didn't care about cooking food for my family. I didn't care about my job and the expectations that they had for me. I didn't care that I should get out of bed and play with my children. I didn't care that I should go shopping for our family. I didn't care about hanging out with my parents, brother, and sisters. I just didn't care. I would sleep for hours and hours because I didn't want to get up. To me, the kids screaming and yelling were too much and I wasn't a good mom in my mind, so what was the point? It was too much. I would be in the front passenger seat of the car and the kids would literally be screaming for like 10+ minutes and Vincent would get frustrated and say "Aren't you going to do something?" I would just shrug my shoulders. I didn't care. I didn't talk. I didn't joke. My mom and dad had a conversation with me at some point because they thought the very worst. That something in their daughter's marriage was going on. I told them that that wasn't the case, that instead, it was my job and that I was just stressed. My sister asked me several times what was going on with me. It got worse when my family finally reached out to Vincent and told them that they were concerned. I was not myself. I didn't laugh, joke, poke fun. I just sat and stared. There was a point in our marriage where Vincent would ask "Is it a good or bad day?" That would signal how the day would begin. Usually if I slept in, it was a bad day. And the kids knew not to mess with Mommy. If it was a good day, I would play with the kids more. It really got bad. And honestly, I didn't know when or if, it would get better. All I could think at the time was that I hated who I was and I hated what I was doing. It was a struggle day to day. It also didn't help that I was being over-medicated. I had 2 types of medicine for my mood. But in reality, I only needed 1. Granted, I went to see a doctor that was super busy and had no time to figure crap out for 1 patient. But at the same time, I should've figured it out. I was lethargic and dead to emotion. I should've mentioned that to my doctor. But I didn't.
Rewind to my college years. I went overseas to England to study abroad for a semester. Best time of my life. I was young, in college, no obligations, and an American girl in a foreign country. It was golden. I befriended a girl. Let's call her Samantha, just in case she reads this blog. Samantha had an eating disorder. A group of us figured it out pretty soon. She was eating lettuce with no dressing. She was denying the fact that she was hungry even though she hadn't eaten all day, She would make excuses for not eating. She was tired ALL the time. Her hair would fall out for no reason. Her skin was always dry. She was ALWAYS cold. Her lips were always chapped. I bring this up because of how me and my friends reacted to her. It was not good. We were annoyed. We didn't want to hang out with her. We wanted her to stop and just eat a steak. We didn't understand. We wanted her to drink a beer. We wanted her to be able to go outside without wearing 9 layers. We hated it. We eventually started hating her. I know. It's terrible if you're reading this. You're probably judging. But here's the thing. It's reality. Someone that's going through this..........is annoying. When you have to be the person dealing with it, it's no Lifetime movie. It's real life. They're annoying. They're obnoxious. You don't want to have to deal with it. That's what I remember thinking when I was dealing with it was "Why didn't someone tell me that this wouldn't be all chick-flick movies but instead, I really hate this person??"
I bring that story up to segue to Vincent's story. During my break down, it was obvious that Vincent was struggling with his sympathy towards me. Of course, he let me sleep all day. But then at times he would yell "Snap out of it" to me. Last night, he told me it was really hard. He basically had to raise 3 kids on his own. He had to do laundry on his own (a first), cook on his own (a first), and tend to all of the children's needs on his own (a first). I basically dumped everything on him all at once. But he did it. Of course, as you can expect, he wasn't happy about it. Here he was with a wife that was helping him 50/50 but then was not helping at all. That's tough. Also when you don't understand what it feels like to hurt, you don't understand at all. As he said last night, "I thought you were weak", "I thought you just needed a reality check", "I thought you were being selfish" - all things that I thought of my friend Samantha. But the thing is, it's just not true. It's tough being the one in pain. It really is. But it's also tough being the one that deals with the one in pain. Both sides are awful. Vincent deserves a lot of credit for dealing with what he had to deal with. He said it was the loneliest he's ever been cause he would sit on the couch and watch TV with me but it was like I wasn't there. I wouldn't talk or make jokes or snide remarks. Nothing. Just a mannequin that was just there. What is the point of being married??
So for anyone going through this right now, I'm sorry. It's rough. I don't know what to say except that. Medicine and therapy worked for me but it doesn't work for everyone. But just know that I relate to both sides. Neither one is a position of envy. Both are an awful place to be. But hopefully, like me, you get through it.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Babies grow up
So for those of you who don't know, we are done having children. 3 boys is quite enough. But as I do everything for the last time with Brayden, I get a little sad.
This past Saturday we sold Brayden's crib on Craigslist. Vincent took a little trip to Austin so I had no one to help me take apart the crib and build the new bed. So my good friend, Donovan, came over and helped like a champ. As he finished taking apart the crib, my heart got a little sad. That's the last time I'll ever own a crib. My baby grew up. When did it happen?? I literally felt like I just was pregnant with him. Now he's sleeping in a big boy bed and talking in complete sentences with a mix of 2 year old garble. I am really not ready for this. I mean, part of me wants them to get more independent but a huge part of me is sad to see them needing me a little bit less.
Also, because Brayden has the new bed, it is the place to be for all the kids right now. Here is a video of them hanging out on the top of Brayden's bed, where they were for a few hours. Please excuse the nakedness of my children- they had just woken up from a nap and Vincent wasn't home to help. Don't judge.
Vincent went to Austin this past Saturday. He went with his friends to eat at 3 BBQ places and then went to a brewery. His friends picked him up at 4:30am and they got to the first place around 8ish. They're crazy to eat BBQ that early. But they're amazing BBQ places so I think it was worth it for them. So they went to Snow's BBQ, City Meat Market, and Louie Mueller's Barbecue. Then they went to Jester King Brewery.
On a side note, I realized how truly Southern I am. I remember kinda being embarrassed about it when I was younger but now I'm proud. I love being Southern. Love, love, love it. And I want to make sure that my kids appreciate that background as well. I found these 3 images that I sent to a friend that definitely sums up a lot. I have also insisted that Vincent buy these frames for our kitchen. I think I just turned into my grandmother. I bet she's in Heaven just beaming with pride. She was the true definition of a Southern Belle. I hope I make her proud.
This past Saturday we sold Brayden's crib on Craigslist. Vincent took a little trip to Austin so I had no one to help me take apart the crib and build the new bed. So my good friend, Donovan, came over and helped like a champ. As he finished taking apart the crib, my heart got a little sad. That's the last time I'll ever own a crib. My baby grew up. When did it happen?? I literally felt like I just was pregnant with him. Now he's sleeping in a big boy bed and talking in complete sentences with a mix of 2 year old garble. I am really not ready for this. I mean, part of me wants them to get more independent but a huge part of me is sad to see them needing me a little bit less.
Also, because Brayden has the new bed, it is the place to be for all the kids right now. Here is a video of them hanging out on the top of Brayden's bed, where they were for a few hours. Please excuse the nakedness of my children- they had just woken up from a nap and Vincent wasn't home to help. Don't judge.
Vincent went to Austin this past Saturday. He went with his friends to eat at 3 BBQ places and then went to a brewery. His friends picked him up at 4:30am and they got to the first place around 8ish. They're crazy to eat BBQ that early. But they're amazing BBQ places so I think it was worth it for them. So they went to Snow's BBQ, City Meat Market, and Louie Mueller's Barbecue. Then they went to Jester King Brewery.
Snow's BBQ
Mmmmmmm
Jester King Brewery
Beer in a wine glass.......fancy
The yummy beer Vincent brought back for me from the brewery. It's made from strawberries!
On a side note, I realized how truly Southern I am. I remember kinda being embarrassed about it when I was younger but now I'm proud. I love being Southern. Love, love, love it. And I want to make sure that my kids appreciate that background as well. I found these 3 images that I sent to a friend that definitely sums up a lot. I have also insisted that Vincent buy these frames for our kitchen. I think I just turned into my grandmother. I bet she's in Heaven just beaming with pride. She was the true definition of a Southern Belle. I hope I make her proud.
And the framed pictures I'm getting for our kitchen.......
Friday, January 23, 2015
I'm baaaaaaaaaack
So after a 1 year and 4 month hiatus, I've decided to come back to my true love - writing. My life is usually crazy and I've decided that it's supposed to be shared on a blog rather than told via stories to friends. I mean, there's nothing wrong with sharing stories with friends but I do enjoy writing and also enjoy sharing with friends that I may not have the privilege of sharing these day to day stories with. So, here I go again. Giving it another shot......
Me: I have a long story since the last time I blogged. It includes a real life breakdown and a job change. But all is better now. We have moved to McKinney and sold our other house (phew) in Grand Prairie. I left my old job in McKinney and started my new job in Frisco. Funny story there, I actually started working with my boyfriend from high school (a looooooong time ago), Paxton, whom I haven't seen in like 8 years. Good times. So now I work at Conifer. I am an analyst that is basically IT for the software program that they have. So I work with a bunch of nerds. I feel right at home. I actually do. Everyone I work with is amazing. We make a great team and we get along great. I have connected with the girls so well that it amazes me. It's like I should have always been there. I couldn't be more happy.
I also have the best next door neighbor ever- Angie. She and I connected from the very moment I moved into our new house. She is a mother of 3 and a teacher. She also has a great sense of humor and knows exactly what to say or do to cheer me up. We had crappy neighbors before so to have some that we get along with so great is amazing.
I also want to say that my sister-in-law, Becky, has really been there for me. This last year has been rough- one of the roughest I've ever had but Becky has always been there for me. Sister-in-law relationships are fun because it's experiencing a whole new family member when you're grown up! Becky is definitely the best. I'm so glad that not only did my brother fall in love with her, but so did I :)
Vincent: Vincent was with Cigna for close to 9 years. Then his good friend/old boss left and joined a smaller insurance company called Guardian. This last October they grabbed Vincent too- offering him tons more pay and benefits. Also a promotion and serious room to grow. We really were blessed with both of our jobs. And he now works 2 exits away from me.
And Vincent has gotten more serious with his home brewing. For those who don't know, this is the art of making beer at home. We have 2 deep freezers, 1 kegerator, and 1 fridge in our garage. He has 3 kegs in his kegerator. He loves it. He posts videos and watches videos on all types of beers. I love it because I'm totally becoming a beer snob.
He also has conquered BBQing. He loves it and is so good at it. So now I'm a beer and BBQ snob. We go to BBQ places and his food is literally better. Except for Hutchins in Mckinney. That is some damn good BBQ.
Tristan: Tristan is now 5 1/2. He started Kindergarten in August and has loved every minute of it. We didn't realize that preschool has now become mandatory at this point so Tristan didn't go. So now his reading is a little bit behind but nothing major. We're working on that nightly. He got a loft bed with a desk and shelves under it when we moved to the new house. He loves it. He's so grown up. It's hard to believe that he's no longer a toddler anymore. My heart breaks.
Caleb: What can I say about Caleb, aka Bubba? Bubba is the child that resembles me the most and also imitates me as a child. He pushes his limits. He also just became potty trained- a couple weeks after his 4th birthday- cause he didn't want to do it before then. He's the funny one but also the one that makes you want to pull your hair out.
Brayden: I have nicknamed him "Baby" and it's stuck. He is definitely the baby of the family and usually gets what he wants. He does tend to get beat up by his brothers a lot but he also knows how to fight back. He gets in trouble a lot at the babysitters because of his temper. But he is also my most cuddliest one. I love it. As we are not having more children, he makes me happy to be the last. He loves him some mommy.
So I think the family has been updated as of now. My goal is to update this blog with anything and everything that happens in the Martinez household since quite a bit happens. Hopefully, at the very least, it's entertaining.
Me: I have a long story since the last time I blogged. It includes a real life breakdown and a job change. But all is better now. We have moved to McKinney and sold our other house (phew) in Grand Prairie. I left my old job in McKinney and started my new job in Frisco. Funny story there, I actually started working with my boyfriend from high school (a looooooong time ago), Paxton, whom I haven't seen in like 8 years. Good times. So now I work at Conifer. I am an analyst that is basically IT for the software program that they have. So I work with a bunch of nerds. I feel right at home. I actually do. Everyone I work with is amazing. We make a great team and we get along great. I have connected with the girls so well that it amazes me. It's like I should have always been there. I couldn't be more happy.
I also have the best next door neighbor ever- Angie. She and I connected from the very moment I moved into our new house. She is a mother of 3 and a teacher. She also has a great sense of humor and knows exactly what to say or do to cheer me up. We had crappy neighbors before so to have some that we get along with so great is amazing.
I also want to say that my sister-in-law, Becky, has really been there for me. This last year has been rough- one of the roughest I've ever had but Becky has always been there for me. Sister-in-law relationships are fun because it's experiencing a whole new family member when you're grown up! Becky is definitely the best. I'm so glad that not only did my brother fall in love with her, but so did I :)
Vincent: Vincent was with Cigna for close to 9 years. Then his good friend/old boss left and joined a smaller insurance company called Guardian. This last October they grabbed Vincent too- offering him tons more pay and benefits. Also a promotion and serious room to grow. We really were blessed with both of our jobs. And he now works 2 exits away from me.
And Vincent has gotten more serious with his home brewing. For those who don't know, this is the art of making beer at home. We have 2 deep freezers, 1 kegerator, and 1 fridge in our garage. He has 3 kegs in his kegerator. He loves it. He posts videos and watches videos on all types of beers. I love it because I'm totally becoming a beer snob.
He also has conquered BBQing. He loves it and is so good at it. So now I'm a beer and BBQ snob. We go to BBQ places and his food is literally better. Except for Hutchins in Mckinney. That is some damn good BBQ.
Tristan: Tristan is now 5 1/2. He started Kindergarten in August and has loved every minute of it. We didn't realize that preschool has now become mandatory at this point so Tristan didn't go. So now his reading is a little bit behind but nothing major. We're working on that nightly. He got a loft bed with a desk and shelves under it when we moved to the new house. He loves it. He's so grown up. It's hard to believe that he's no longer a toddler anymore. My heart breaks.
Caleb: What can I say about Caleb, aka Bubba? Bubba is the child that resembles me the most and also imitates me as a child. He pushes his limits. He also just became potty trained- a couple weeks after his 4th birthday- cause he didn't want to do it before then. He's the funny one but also the one that makes you want to pull your hair out.
Brayden: I have nicknamed him "Baby" and it's stuck. He is definitely the baby of the family and usually gets what he wants. He does tend to get beat up by his brothers a lot but he also knows how to fight back. He gets in trouble a lot at the babysitters because of his temper. But he is also my most cuddliest one. I love it. As we are not having more children, he makes me happy to be the last. He loves him some mommy.
So I think the family has been updated as of now. My goal is to update this blog with anything and everything that happens in the Martinez household since quite a bit happens. Hopefully, at the very least, it's entertaining.
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