Perceptions

      

  (Young woman or old granny?)

      As I struggle through this awful thing that happened to my family, I go back and forth on what and if to blog again. Vincent and I have very different opinions. Vincent's view is one of a person that doesn't want to talk about it and move on. This is totally understandable and completely normal. My reaction is to blog about it to "cleanse" myself, if you will. This is normal for me. Vincent does not want this to happen. I get it. We all grieve in our own ways. But I have to respect him. He is my second half and my soul mate.
 
       So instead I will share with you the lessons I have learned from all of this. Perceptions that I have had previously that have been shattered. I admit that I was a little self-absorbed and too trusting of others and played a role in allowing this to happen. Below are my old perceptions and my new realities.

Perception: You can trust family.
Reality: Truth is, you can't trust family. 3 out of 4 adolescents are sexually assaulted by someone they know. That does lean towards family. Yes, this is extreme but in truth, just because they have similar DNA doesn't make them good people. It makes them part of your family tree. Also, how many divorces happen where someone gets custody of the children based on the testimony of a spouse divulging all those secrets that they had promised to always keep? Then they end up using them against the spouse. You're literally being betrayed by family. Yes I know this is not a "feel good" lesson. But it is a lesson that I have learned. A not-fun one, but one nonetheless.

Perception: Just because Vincent thinks I'm funny doesn't make me funny.
Reality: The experiences that Vincent and I share as parents and spouses that are especially entertaining may or may not be entertaining to others. People grow up differently. What may come off as hilarious to some couples may come off as offensive to others. This is hard for me because I think I'm hilarious. To learn that I'm not came as a shock. I mean, who doesn't appreciate good humor? I don't get it. But the truth is, some people don't have jobs or hobbies or children so they have time to analyze my extremely good humor and make it something it's not. I wish I could tell these people to have a child or at the very least become interested in the wild adventures of bird watching, but I can't. I just have to learn that these people exist and they will NEVER think I'm funny. I've tried several routes. It's just not happening.

Perception: People adore/love me.
Reality: They don't. I mean, my husband and kids do, no doubt. And of course my parents cause they had to raise me. But other than that, love becomes tricky. It starts having strings attached and expectations placed on it and when those expectations aren't met, feelings start to change.So, no, I don't have the personality that automatically makes people like me. Sometimes it automatically makes people hate me. I'm okay with it. But I've also had to be aware of it. This was not a fun lesson.

Perception: I am relatable.
Reality: I am not relatable to everyone. Everyone views their marriages differently and how it should be handled. Everyone views their children differently and how they should be raised. There is literally an opinion for almost every subject. And they're all different. For whatever self-absorbed reason, I thought my position was relatable to everyone. It is not. There is a small group of women that share my exact same opinions. The rest, unfortunately, do not. Do not allow this small group to make you think it's actually a big group. It's hard to make everyone happy. It won't happen, no matter how funny you are.

Perception: They're Christian so they're not judging.
Reality: I know a ton of you are laughing at this one but my background stems from a very religious one. In my eyes, Christians were all friends and standing against all those that were out to get us. Truth is, Christians are the easiest ones to become the biggest judgers of each other. They quickly forget about the grace of God and instead focus on the rules. Then they turn around and decide that though God didn't mention he needed "Jesus Police" on Earth, that they might just help him out and do it for Him. And boy do they pull the citizens arrest out. It's a shame because as Christians we should be helping each other and encouraging those around us. Not looking at others and deciding they're not living by the Bible so therefore they deserve to roast in Hell. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought God was the only one that was going to judge? No?

Perception: I have to forgive immediately.
Reality: I don't. I'm allowed to have time to be angry. Although there is no set time on this anger, it is still allowed. I don't have to "shhhhhed" and told to "forgive and move on". This is terrible advice for a victim, by the way. Don't ever tell a victim of anything to "forgive and move on". I was wronged therefore I am allowed to feel this way until these feelings subside. This is done on my schedule and at my accord.

Perception: Marriages become stronger through crisis events.
Reality: They can. But it takes time and healing and communication. And also did I mention it's hard? Especially if the crisis has created 2 different viewpoints? Even inside my house there is still tension because of this event and there shouldn't be. These terrible people that brought this on us should be the ones having strife. Why are we? Vincent and I have had to slowly come back together as a team and realize that's the only way it's gonna get better. Not divulging too much but saying that these kinds of things affect a marriage, even the strongest of such.

Perception: I have to become someone I'm not to make it through this crap.
Reality: No I don't. I can still remain true to myself and not allow these awful people to win. I don't have to become a hermit that lives in the woods because they think that's where I belong. I can actually choose (and this is hard) to find what is good about myself and decide to not change it. I have gotten tons of advice from those very limited people that know what's going on. Most of the advice involves me never blogging, quitting Facebook, become quiet and self-reserved, never going out, and never allowing myself to trust anyone again. I just can't. If I am going to live a life that I want to live, I will live it as I please. Granted, I will take these lessons to heart but at the core I'm still me. I'm not some coward that's afraid to live her life. Just because someone isn't happy with who you are doesn't mean anything. Most likely, it means they hate themselves. But more importantly it means you can't let them change you. And I won't. This lesson took the longest but I'm bound and determined. I will not become a person that is not the Carmelle everyone knows and loves - loud, short, filter-less, funny, laughing, enjoying the moment, enjoying my friends, raising my children to be amazing, and appreciating everything that I have right now. They won't take that away from me. I refuse.


I apologize if this blog causes more confusion than help but this is a tough thing to write about. But I felt that I should somehow try to write about it. Soon, I should be back to writing normal blogs about my crazy house full of boys and my 2 terrible dogs. So if you didn't understand this one, just wait until the next one. It gets better. I promise. At least, that's what I've been told.