My Relationship with My Mom

So I'm 34 years old and I've realized that the relationship between my mom and I is in need of a major repair. To say that we've had disagreements between us, is to put it lightly.

I am the oldest of 6 children, with 2 sets of twins. I am not saying this to emphasize how big my family is and how I was the oldest of this big family. I am saying this because I am the oldest child, and that also comes with a lot of pressure. I am a child that is achievement-oriented.  I am assertive and dominant. I am respectful of authority. I was a great student. I am motivated. I make a great leader. I am always fearful in new situations. I was always mature for my age. And my confidence has always been higher than it probably should have been. This all made me have exactly the same qualities that oldest children tend to have and also led to me feeling very responsible for everything that happened to my family. At an early age my siblings referred to me as "Mommy Melle". This probably seemed adorable to everyone that used this name, but to me it was a name that further pressured me. I was the "Mom' of the house and everyone expected as much. As you can probably guess, there should only be 1 Mom of the house.

I always thought that my mom was in competition with me. She always seemed to "1 up" me and it never felt that she could fully appreciate my stories, that she always listening to see what details seemed important and then make herself seem better than me in that situation. This caused years of turmoil with my mom.....years. As I grew to be the 34 years old I am today, I have heard all sorts of relationships women have with their moms. There are all types that seemed to range, from amazing to never meeting them. I was always secretly envious of the friends that had that "great" relationship with their moms. I had always wanted that, dreamed it, and then looked at it wistfully, eventually. It seemed magical that these women could go shopping, see movies, have drinks, and eat food and never fight with their moms. The fights where it gets so bad that someone has to leave. Not the fight about not noticing a haircut. No, the ones where someone has to leave, shaking their heads and wishing things were different. It never seemed like women with the great relationships with their moms could ever imagine a world where they leave their mother alone at dinner, too mad to finish. Of course if anything could be done to improve the relationship is something I would hope could be done, but definitely don't believe it to have a great likelihood.

Then yesterday I get an email from my Mom, addressed to the whole family. She was speaking about her Mom, whom she finally had gotten in contact with after 30 years, who was finally speaking to her again. But the circumstances that my Mom had to go to made me realize just how much my Mom and I had in common. My mom's sister, Bonnie, hated my mom. This is because of reasons that even I don't understand. But because of this hate, my Aunt Bonnie refused to tell my Mom of her own mother's location and contact information. Like, I'm talking years. Years of a hate between my Mom and her sister over things that happened in childhood, but affected all the relationships in the family. There was also hate between my Mom and her Mom because of whatever disagreement they deemed relevant enough to not talk to each other for 30 years. I only have 1 side of the argument so it only seems fair to say that both parties never tried to reconcile. Well, my Mom did eventually. After like 20 years, I believe. 10 years ago my mom tried to contact my grandmother. She'd mail her letters with no response. Like, ever. Like, sent letter after letter after letter after letter and got no response. Like, my grandmother had 6 grandchildren, 2 sets of twins, that she didn't give two shits about.  But my Mom kept it up. My mom decided that the stupid fights over the years were not worth it. So yesterday when I heard my Mom finally got to talk to her Mom, my first thought drifted toward the stupidity on the part of my Mom for pursuing a lifeless relationship, until I realized something. I was mad. Mad at my Aunt Bonnie and my grandmother for not including my mom all these years. Mad that my Aunt Bonnie and my grandmother were actively trying to make sure my mom was in the dark about her own family. Mad that my Aunt Bonnie and grandmother could not try to get to know the 6 children, 2 sets of twins, that my mother brought into this world. When people put themselves before family I have learned that they actually lead very lonely lives. That's what these 2 women are- 2 lonely women trying to make my mother feel like horseshit.
That's when I realized it. I realized that I had never stood up for my mom. Throughout the years of our arguing and nonsense, I realized that I never stood up for her. Not once. She was either wrong or my dad had somehow just managed to lose to her. It was never because she was a woman that stood up for herself even though the odds weren't in her favor. It was never to tell her that she was an amazing woman for being the better person in most situations. It was never to acknowledge that she stood up for herself, no matter what. My mom didn't have the best of childhoods but she learned a lot about herself then: to never keep quiet and always stick up for what you believe in. My mom is nowhere near quiet and have never backed down from a fight for as long as I've known her. I learned yesterday that my Mom and I might not be the same person but I am a pretty amazing woman because of her. She had a pretty big hand in shaping me, even if her hand got bit quite a bit in doing so. This doesn't mean that the relationship between my Mom and I magically heals but I can at least try to move in a direction of loving and accepting my mother for the good things she is and not focus on the bad things as much.

My Aunt Pat Pierce, a bad-ass 79 year old woman

My Aunt Pat. She’s turning 80 on May 7th and she is absolutely amazing. I don’t think I’m going to be able to capture all that is Patsy Pierce but I’m gonna try. She’s on social media and has a voice that is demanding to be heard. Seriously, she comments on everything. From recipes to politics, she has an opinion or comment on everything. And not in an annoying way but in an intriguing way. I actually read what’s she’s commented it on. And I don’t do that normally. She’s such a strong woman. She’s had an amazing life with some pretty extraordinary things happen. And her views reflect just that.

Aunt Pat is my grandpa’s sister.  She has a daughter - my cousin Pam (my dad’s cousin), who has a son, Little Ritchie. Of course, Aunt Pat did an amazing job of raising Pam who in return did an amazing job of raising Little Ritchie. That side of the family is pure gold. She only had 1 job her entire life. She worked for AT&T, or BellSouth as it used to be called, for over 40 years. She first started out as an operator but then decided she wanted to get her hands dirty. So she decided to be a technician in the field and help set up telephones for customers. Definitely not the “normal” job for a woman in her time. When most women were at home raising babies, my Aunt Pat was installing telephones. See, what did I tell you?? She also is an amazing cook. Like good Southern cooking good, or as I call it, Heaven. She was married to Pam’s father and when that didn’t work out, she decided to get a divorce. She was definitely a rebel during her time and did everything she wanted or believed in. I definitely look up to her and hope to be exactly like her when I’m 79. I’m just waiting for her to get a Twitter account. She’d be a hit.

She also loves her family fiercely. She’s the first person to comment on all of our posts and she’s also the person that sent a care package to my son while he was in the hospital. She lives in Newnan, Georgia. I didn’t tell my relatives in Georgia about Brayden except by way of Facebook. She’s amazing.  You know those relatives you had growing up that you could always count on for a best gift ever? That was her. Aunt Pat.

I hope when I get to be her age, I am as smart and suave as she is with technology as well as generous and kind and beautiful. I know that she has a lot of love to give and I hope one day that I’m half the woman she is, plus a third of the cook.She has an amazing dessert recipe called Virginia Crisps. So addictive. I could literally clear a pan out. Aunt Pat is truly an angel trying to make a difference in this world. Become her friend on Facebook to see what a 79 year old woman does with Facebook. Read all of the comments she’s made and the pages she’s shared. It’s true genius. Remember. She’s my Aunt Pat.  :)

 

Bubba Orders Pizza

If you don’t know my son Caleb, also known as Bubba, you don’t know what you’re missing. He is the smartest kid I’ve ever met. He is also the funniest. He is always entertaining. He also makes me want to pull my hair out. I know this is exactly how my parents felt about my brother, David. They’re very similar. This story happened a few months ago but if you haven’t heard it, I wanted to share.

Bubba is obsessed with food. I can’t blame him. He likes the most delicious foods that most of us enjoy- pizza, cookies, chips, and popsicles - to name a few. Of course he doesn’t get them every day or even often for that matter. So that’s when Bubba took matters into his own hands. One day when Vincent and I didn’t feel like cooking, we ordered pizza on our iPad. This detail is important. We picked the pizzas we wanted and saved our credit card information. A couple days later Vincent was at home with the kids. All of a sudden the doorbell rang. Vincent opened the door to find a woman holding 3 pizzas and 3 chocolate lava cakes. She read him the order and then the total. Vincent told her that she made a mistake. She confirmed the address. He again said that he didn’t order the pizza. The woman confirmed the last 4 digits of the credit card used. That’s when Tristan spoke up, “Caleb ordered the pizza on your iPad”. Vincent then turned to the woman and explained the situation. She told him since the pizza was made, there was nothing that they could do. So Vincent signed for it and took the pizzas and chocolate lava cakes inside. Then he turned to Bubba, “Bubba, what did you do?” Bubba shrugged at first but then later told the story. He went on the iPad to play a game but then recognized the Domino’s app. He clicked it and saw an option to reorder the last order. Then he made sure there were 3 of them - one for himself, one for Tristan, and for Brayden. Then it asked if he wanted to ask a delicious chocolate lava cake to his order. I’m sure he thought “Heck yeah” as he ordered not 1 but 3. Again so that all the boys could enjoy their own delicious warm chocolate cake with a gooey center. He clicked submit, and since our credit card information was saved, it sent the order to the store to be delivered in 25-30 minutes. I’m not sure what he thought would happen once the pizza was delivered. I guess he thought that Vincent would sign for the pizzas and chocolate lava cakes and hand them over to the kids.

Well, that is what happened.

Bubba - 1, Carmelle & Vincent - 0.

Update on Christmas 2015

So to catch you up on Christmas this last year.....it was fun and very eventful. We caravaned on the way there with David and Becky and Naomi. Oh and did I mention we got the Tahoe the day before we left? Talk about great timing. Such great timing. We had so much room with that huge thing.  Unfortunately though, as we were leaving, Tristan threw up. That was the start of nearly everyone getting sick at some point in Georgia. We had a trash bag because it seemed to come out of nowhere and it made the 12 hour trip nearly 16 hours long. But it made it fun being having all the cousins together. We stopped together for gas and food and even switched passengers. They loved it. From the minute we got there the cousins had a blast. I got them matching pajamas to wear. The first day it was raining so we went to downtown Atlanta to visit the Georgia Aquarium, which the kids loved. They even got to pet a stingray and some sort of small shark. Then we had lunch at the Varsity, which is the super old restaurant that has a small menu with delicious frozen orange drinks that are the best. They also have hats (see below). The second day was raining as well so I gave them the matching superhero capes that I had made. Everyone had a different shape for their symbol and their first initial for their hero name. They loved them. Then of course it was Christmas and homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast, followed by present opening. We all got amazing gifts. But for the most part, someone was always sick. Yuck. And then the drive home was the same. Brayden threw up in the hallway the minute we woke him up to leave. Yay. We did make it home with no puking in the car itself.

About to head out - beginning of the trip out there

In the car- Caleb with a diaper on his head and Addy

Matching pajamas

Superhero Tristan, Gideon, Brayden, Adalis, and Caleb

Aquarium visit - Caleb, Tristan, Gideon, and Brayden

Tristan petting the shark fish

David and Gideon

Tristan

Jellyfish

Brayden and I at the Varsity

Life for the last 6 months.....

Here’s my life in a nutshell for the last 6 months.

Tristan is in first grade. Can you believe that I have a 6 year old?? Does that qualify me as old? Actually, don’t tell me. I just can’t believe that my son was born 6 years ago. Holy moly.

Brayden is the still the baby but just grown up. He talks in complete sentences, along with logic and attitude. I baby him ridiculously. Most anything he tells me to do, I do. I feel like he’s so little and fragile so I have to protect him more. But man oh man does that boy have a temper! He’s so stubborn (like his mom) and know-it-all (also, like his mom) that sometimes I actually get mad at him. #youngestchildproblems

And lastly Caleb, or more affectionately known as Bubba, is the child God specially put on this Earth to teach me, Carmelle Masdon Martinez, a lesson. That lesson is: ‘You were shitty as a kid so this is for your mom and dad. This is for them. (drops mic)’. Yeah, that lesson.

Caleb is my son that will smile with those dimples at a girl and get her to forgive him instantly. He knows how to work the system. A flash of the dimples always distract people. He knows what he’s doing. He’s putting me in a trance. He’s adorable. I literally could squeeze him to death. He must know how much I love him because he tries everything in his power to test that love. He is, what doctors call, “pushing his boundaries”. He is really really good at it. It’s a good thing he’s so darn cute ;)

Vincent has been doing amazing in the area of business. He’s loving his job that he has now and the fact that he works with amazing people. And he also had a dream come to life as he is getting very close to opening a Growler Fill. It’s a place where you can buy and/or drink the craft beer he’ll have on tap. He’ll be getting craft beer from all locally-owned breweries. I’m so excited for him and this fun process we are about to begin. Hopefully it turns out good - cross your fingers!

Me? Me. I’ve had a little bit of a rough year but I feel like through it all I still love my little family. They are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. They love me no matter what. They think I put the moon in the sky. I am nowhere near that (see above lesson about Bubba) but I know that they trust me with their lives and it’s my job to protect them. I had to cut some people out of my life and pull trust away from others. Sometimes the people that hurt you are the closest to you. I don’t want to go into detail but know that I’m actually a better person because of it all. I’ve learned a very hard lesson on trust but gained so much more. I put no human above my little family. No one. And I love every minute a little bit more than the last. My children are amazing and the best thing that ever happened to me. I just need to relish in those moments more. I have been trying to more lately.

Other than that, work is great! I love my job. I really do. How many people can say that? There’s always going to be work drama but at least you love what you do.  My job is pretty great. I’m cooking dinner again. I feel pretty damn good. And my life is not half-bad. ;)

Also, in the news of expecting……..we expected a new car at Christmas and got one! :) We got a 2015 Chevy Tahoe and we love it! It’s huge and I have what Vincent refers to as “penis envy”. I can’t help it. It’s a beautiful car. I’m envious of his car ;)