My Relationship with My Mom

So I'm 34 years old and I've realized that the relationship between my mom and I is in need of a major repair. To say that we've had disagreements between us, is to put it lightly.

I am the oldest of 6 children, with 2 sets of twins. I am not saying this to emphasize how big my family is and how I was the oldest of this big family. I am saying this because I am the oldest child, and that also comes with a lot of pressure. I am a child that is achievement-oriented.  I am assertive and dominant. I am respectful of authority. I was a great student. I am motivated. I make a great leader. I am always fearful in new situations. I was always mature for my age. And my confidence has always been higher than it probably should have been. This all made me have exactly the same qualities that oldest children tend to have and also led to me feeling very responsible for everything that happened to my family. At an early age my siblings referred to me as "Mommy Melle". This probably seemed adorable to everyone that used this name, but to me it was a name that further pressured me. I was the "Mom' of the house and everyone expected as much. As you can probably guess, there should only be 1 Mom of the house.

I always thought that my mom was in competition with me. She always seemed to "1 up" me and it never felt that she could fully appreciate my stories, that she always listening to see what details seemed important and then make herself seem better than me in that situation. This caused years of turmoil with my mom.....years. As I grew to be the 34 years old I am today, I have heard all sorts of relationships women have with their moms. There are all types that seemed to range, from amazing to never meeting them. I was always secretly envious of the friends that had that "great" relationship with their moms. I had always wanted that, dreamed it, and then looked at it wistfully, eventually. It seemed magical that these women could go shopping, see movies, have drinks, and eat food and never fight with their moms. The fights where it gets so bad that someone has to leave. Not the fight about not noticing a haircut. No, the ones where someone has to leave, shaking their heads and wishing things were different. It never seemed like women with the great relationships with their moms could ever imagine a world where they leave their mother alone at dinner, too mad to finish. Of course if anything could be done to improve the relationship is something I would hope could be done, but definitely don't believe it to have a great likelihood.

Then yesterday I get an email from my Mom, addressed to the whole family. She was speaking about her Mom, whom she finally had gotten in contact with after 30 years, who was finally speaking to her again. But the circumstances that my Mom had to go to made me realize just how much my Mom and I had in common. My mom's sister, Bonnie, hated my mom. This is because of reasons that even I don't understand. But because of this hate, my Aunt Bonnie refused to tell my Mom of her own mother's location and contact information. Like, I'm talking years. Years of a hate between my Mom and her sister over things that happened in childhood, but affected all the relationships in the family. There was also hate between my Mom and her Mom because of whatever disagreement they deemed relevant enough to not talk to each other for 30 years. I only have 1 side of the argument so it only seems fair to say that both parties never tried to reconcile. Well, my Mom did eventually. After like 20 years, I believe. 10 years ago my mom tried to contact my grandmother. She'd mail her letters with no response. Like, ever. Like, sent letter after letter after letter after letter and got no response. Like, my grandmother had 6 grandchildren, 2 sets of twins, that she didn't give two shits about.  But my Mom kept it up. My mom decided that the stupid fights over the years were not worth it. So yesterday when I heard my Mom finally got to talk to her Mom, my first thought drifted toward the stupidity on the part of my Mom for pursuing a lifeless relationship, until I realized something. I was mad. Mad at my Aunt Bonnie and my grandmother for not including my mom all these years. Mad that my Aunt Bonnie and my grandmother were actively trying to make sure my mom was in the dark about her own family. Mad that my Aunt Bonnie and grandmother could not try to get to know the 6 children, 2 sets of twins, that my mother brought into this world. When people put themselves before family I have learned that they actually lead very lonely lives. That's what these 2 women are- 2 lonely women trying to make my mother feel like horseshit.
That's when I realized it. I realized that I had never stood up for my mom. Throughout the years of our arguing and nonsense, I realized that I never stood up for her. Not once. She was either wrong or my dad had somehow just managed to lose to her. It was never because she was a woman that stood up for herself even though the odds weren't in her favor. It was never to tell her that she was an amazing woman for being the better person in most situations. It was never to acknowledge that she stood up for herself, no matter what. My mom didn't have the best of childhoods but she learned a lot about herself then: to never keep quiet and always stick up for what you believe in. My mom is nowhere near quiet and have never backed down from a fight for as long as I've known her. I learned yesterday that my Mom and I might not be the same person but I am a pretty amazing woman because of her. She had a pretty big hand in shaping me, even if her hand got bit quite a bit in doing so. This doesn't mean that the relationship between my Mom and I magically heals but I can at least try to move in a direction of loving and accepting my mother for the good things she is and not focus on the bad things as much.