The Best Part of Being a Mom? Torturing your Husband

Every morning of a school week that I go into work is exactly the same. So much so that I can actually give you a time frame of it. Well, the early schedule just started a couple weeks ago. But literally the activities are exactly the same now as they were if you fast forward the time a little.
4:20am- my alarm starts going off. I will not lie, I hit snooze quite a bit.
5:08am- I jump in the shower
5:18am- Brayden stumbles, half-drunk, into my bathroom and will, sleep-drunk, asks me stupid questions. This is also done with a diaper on that he has decided to empty his morning dump into instead of the toilet (yes he is a 4 year old that has morning dumps before 6am)
5:22am- My amazing smelling, expensive shampoo does not cover the smell of shit
5:32am- The younger of the two dogs has decided she wants to know what's going on with all the ruckus in the bathroom this early in the morning but may or may not have forgotten to go outside the doggy door and taken a piss. Now there's piss on the bathroom rug that I will eventually step on when I get out of the shower.
5:46am- Brayden has grown tired of my fake mom answers to his dumb questions and decided it was a good time to wake his brothers up.  The brothers were obviously not happy about being woken up 10 minutes before their usual time so they appropriately hit Brayden in whatever appendix is near.
5:48am- Brayden is still screaming and crying like he's been shot in WWII and there's no chance of survival.
5:49am- Brayden decides to take matters into his own hands and gets the biggest toy he can find in the game room, goes back to the "chosen" brother's room and throws it at his head. It doesn't hit the head but does hit a part of the body.
5:50am- 2 kids are screaming and yelling as though I threatened to take away their access to YouTube. This, all the while, I am blow drying my hair and pretending that I don't have kids and that I don't hear faint screaming between different angles of the blow drying experience.
5:51am- 1 of the 2 kids screaming decides that his life is worth more than being attacked by his brother and decides to turn his brother in. This leads to the other realizing that he's about to be tattled on and tries to outrun the other to the bathroom.
5:51:30am- The kids slam open my bathroom door (no, I didn't lock it because that would be too smart) and start screaming their opening, closing, and rebuttal remarks at the same time. I take it in with such words as "Oh my goodness" and "No sir, not in this house", then I quickly ask the one in the diaper why he pooped his diaper. He apologizes and says he couldn't help it and the fight with his brother is forgotten. Now the youngest can't live with a dirty diaper any minute longer and demands a change right then.
5:53am- I am changing a dirty diaper with a towel wrapped around me and my hair half blown dry. The poop has dried on Brayden's butt so I am having to scrape it off through the baby wipe to get it to come off. He is screaming like I am torturing him.
5:54am- I take orders for breakfast. And by orders, I mean, which of the 6 cereals do you want?
5:55am- They are watching TV and too busy to answer me.
5:56am- I scream again and again and again.
5:59am- They finally tell me.
5:59:30am I pour their cereal and pull out TV trays to give it to them on (less fighting to get them to move it to the dining room table; remember I have to get ready for work too!)
6:02am- I am back in my bathroom and discover the dog pee
6:07am- Finished cleaning dog pee and finish blow drying my hair. Start my make-up.
6:17am- Fighting erupts from downstairs because they decided to play a video game instead of watching TV and Caleb has usually decided to light Tristan's house on fire in Minecraft. I wait until it sounds violent before I break concentration with my makeup.
6:19am- I hear Tristan getting hysterical as Caleb continues to laugh instead of apologize to Tristan about the burned down house. I come to the balcony where I have a perfect view of both of them and yell at them to turn it off and get their backpacks on.
6:24am- I hurriedly put on clothes for work and hopefully remember deodorant.
6:27am- I shove Lunchables into their lunchboxes and throw them into their backpacks and zip it up.
6:29am- I yell my reminder again to load into my car and to remember their back packs. I remind them that seat belts need to be on when I get in there.
6:31am- No one has listened to me and has found other things to do except get in the car: go to the bathroom, find a snack, research to find out why their pillow was missing from their bed last night, turn the TV back on and watch it, or take their shoes off and relax.
6:31:10am I lose my shit.
6:31:12am- I scream like a crazy person and tell everyone they better get in the car or I'm going to ground them for life, quite possibly cutting it short too.
6:31:56am- They look at me like I've lost my shit. But also fear kicks in and they scurry into the car as quickly as they can.
6:39am- I finally have everyone buckled in and am ready to go but can't get the freaking garage door to close. I push the remote in my car at least 38 times.
6:41am- I get out of the car and manually push the button in the garage to get it to shut, hop over the invisible laser line that will make the garage go back up again, and get back into my car. My kids are laughing hysterically at me, telling me how dumb I looked hopping over nothing.

I tell you all of this not to pity me, but to understand. Understand that my husband comes home later and listens to me say "I almost killed your children this morning, like 4 times" and his response is "If you want to switch and I'll get the kids ready in the morning, I can. It's really not that hard for me. I don't know why it's so hard for you" and I just seethe.

I seethe until it's time for him to put them to bed. Then I quietly grab my glass of wine and sit on the couch to relax and to listen for what will eventually come. Then I hear is "CALEB, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?" or "TRISTAN GET IN YOUR BED NOW AND NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER GLASS OF WATER" or "I WILL TAKE AWAY ANY AND ALL ELECTRONICS, SO HELP ME GOD" or even "CALEB, NO MORE QUESTIONS!". That's when I smile and just enjoy the moment........does that make me a sadist?