Can you get a medical license out of a cracker jack box???

So my hives have grown into a more serious problem. All my joints have become inflamed and swollen. Besides being gross to look at I actually started getting scared. So I called my mother, who was a nurse for 25 years, and she came over to check me out. Of course my mother thinks out loud because, I can only assume, she did so with her patients (who were really tiny babies so I guess they couldn't understand her). So she's examining me and hemming and hawing at me. Then she starts asking questions like "Does the sun hurt your eyes?" How do I know?? I haven't been off the couch all weekend long, let alone outside. Then "Do you have a hard time concentrating?" Well who wouldn't have a hard time concentrating when their entire body constantly itches and their fat fingers are too heavy to move? So after about 100 of these questions and my mom demanding to examine every part of my body I finally asked what was wrong with me. She said that she had no idea but the fact that my joints were inflamed was not good at all. She then gave me an illegal (meaning she stole it from the hospital) shot of steroids to help with the itching. And after that shot I didn't care what diagnosis came out of her mouth because I had no itching at all.

She told me that everything would subside for 2 days after the shot and then come back because it just helped with the symptoms not the actual problem. My mother said the most important thing to gauge was how long it took to come back and how bad it came back. So after this I was on the prowl for swollen or red splotches on my body from the moment I woke up this morning. I was 100% clear when Vincent woke me up. And I couldn't tell who was more happy- him or me. Then I went to work and Monique practically ran over to me to glimpse my sausage hands. But unfortunately for her, no trace. Then at about 11am I felt an itch. Seriously I think time stopped. I reached down and lifted my pant leg up and there it was.....a red, itchy spot.

Immediately I called my mom and she hems and haws and finally tells me that this is not good and I need to go to a doctor right away. And she told me quite a few times, not just any doctor but an internal medicine doctor.

So, after letting Monique indulge her morbid fantasies of seeing me with sausage knees I started searching for an internal medicine doctor. First I had to find my insurance and then look it up online. But in order to look up a doctor under my specific coverage I had to create a user name and password. Have you ever noticed that websites don't allow you to actually create your very own user name and password? It's always something like "Your password must contain 6 letters, 2 numbers and 1 asterisk". Seriously?? My password is a word and last time I checked there were no numbers or asterisks in words. So after that ordeal I found a short list of 10 doctors that were within 20 miles and were covered by my insurance. I start calling because my mom insisted that I see a doctor TODAY or else. So with fear driving me past the embarrassment of asking if these doctors will see a brand new patient TODAY and having the receptionist repeat "TODAY" over and over like I was brain damaged, I was left with 1 doctor that had availability today.

His name is Tom Chang (his real name has been changed to save him from embarrassment). Before I go on.....a thought. Why do Asian Americans insist on blending into our culture and changing only their first name and not their last? We all know that your first name is not Sue if your last name is Qinshihuang. You would be doing us all a favor if you just stuck with the name that has 7 consonants and no vowels in it. We may not be able to pronounce it but at least we'll respect you for holding on to it.

Anyway back to Tom Chang. So I call his office to make the appointment. When I heard the receptionist's thick accent I was excited about going to an Asian doctor because, and I truly do believe this, Asians really are gifted when it comes to medicine. I mean they use a lot of natural remedies instead of the medicine prescribed by American doctors that contains addictive ingredients that eventually lead you down a long, hard road to rehab. I had visions of acupuncture and natural herbs that would heal my swollen body.

After telling my boss that if he didn't let me go I would soon look like a giant sausage (and showing him my knee helped), he let me go. I hurried on to to my appointment with the Asian doctor that was going to heal my all my unsolvable problems with amazing Eastern medicines. When I got there I really did wonder if I was the first and only English speaking person to enter that medical office. The signs were in an Asian language and everyone in there was Asian. Even the TV was playing some sort of Asian soap opera on it. (Do we even have Asian soap operas here???) At this point I became concerned that I was not allowed to be there and that the doctor would speak no English whatsoever. Then, interrupting my thoughts, one of the Asian women in the lobby asked me what was wrong with me. After showing her my legs and fingers and explaining what a sausage was I became terrified that this was a preview of what my conversation with the doctor would be like.

Then they called my name. Well, they called "Deborah" (thanks, Mom & Dad, for giving me that first name but insisting on going by my middle name) and when I corrected the nurse she shook her head and said "No, Deborah. Legal name. Must go by that." Funny argument, coming from a culture that doesn't go by their names that their parents gave them while they live here......

So she takes me to the back where there are a bunch of people just sitting around in chairs. Like the lobby but in the back. In the middle of these chairs is a computer. So this woman sits down and immediately starts by asking me "When was your last menstrual cycle?" Now it's not that I thought that the people sitting around staring at me cared about my responses but it's the fact that I didn't know how much more personal this woman was going to get if that was her first question. It bothered me that there was no common courtesy to my privacy. So I asked her if there was any way we could do this type of questioning in private. She looked stunned then said "Well just scoot your chair over here so no one can hear you." Well that plan might have worked if she had lowered her voice as well.

After making it through the questions I move back to my original chair. She then turns around and shouts "I need a urine sample from you". I respond with "I can't right now." Her response? "Why? Are you on your period?" I'm not really sure what being on my period (though she did know when my last menstrual cycle was and it wasn't then) and urinating have in common and was tempted to ask this question. Instead I just asked for a glass of water.

Finally I was taken in the exam room to wait for the doctor. When he came in he got right down to business and I appreciated that very much. He asked what was wrong and I point to my swollen joints and tell him about my miserable weekend. He listens and then shakes his head. I was convinced that he had my diagnosis. He then asked "Have you been coughing, sneezing or had a runny nose?" I tell him no, not at all. I even tried to make a joke about not really knowing because the itching had all my attention all weekend. No laughter on his end. Then he leans over and taps me really hard on the head and then under my eyes. Of course I say "Ouch." Then he says "Oh, you have a sinus infection". I try to see where he is going and say "Oh so the sinus infection is causing my swollen joints?" Then he says "Oh I don't know what's causing your swollen joints but you have a sinus infection. I'm calling in medicine for it." I explain once more that I hadn't been coughing, sneezing or had a runny nose but he insisted that it hurt when he poked my face. And then I said "Of course it did, you poked really hard!" He then proceeded to laugh and say "No, it's because you have a sinus infection". At this point all I was thinking about was trying to get my co-pay back like you would if you walked out of a lousy movie. Can you go to the receptionist and say "This doctor got his medical license out of a cracker jack box so I would like my co-pay back."? Instead I told him that his office was too far to keep coming back and having him check on my swollen joints/sinus infection and that I might have to find someone closer. He nodded and said he understood.

There goes $20 dollars and 2 hours of my life that I'll never get back.....